I was leaning against my kitchen counter, sipping my cold coffee, watching my daughter play, as I tuned in to Dr. Phil. Just about every day I make sure to turn the channel to witness the latest train wreck. I’m not sure why I am so drawn to the show. Perhaps it’s a mixture of things. With an obsession of the human brain, I’ve always wanted to understand the logic behind a frayed disposition and irrational thinking. The show is also a reminder of how my life could have ended up. My story begins the same way as most of the guest who appear on Dr. Phil’s show – A chaotic childhood, unstructured teenage years, and a combination of unfortunate circumstances that could have ended in tragedy and disappear. Psychotic break downs, suicide, neglected children, drug use, … A list of could have been’s, yet, are not.
I look down at my one year old, I look around at my home, and I take it all in. The house is clean and dust free, but it’s messy and wrecked by a tornado toddler. Dvd’s are scattered across the living room floor. The Tupperware is spread out across the kitchen, and there are clothes torn out from their drawers. Yes, the house is in chaos, but all of it will be picked up after my sweet little earthquake goes to bed. And yes, it will look like this again tomorrow.
I’m a mess in my Lularoe elephant leggings and Epcot Wine festival t-shirt. My hair is in a bun and I am holding on to my Maleficent mug. At first glance, I appear to be a wreck, but I’ve been chasing my toddler around; wrestling through diapers, sitting with her through tantrums, and scrubbing bathroom floors. I’ve got nice clothes in my closet for days when I leave the chaos to pick up the groceries, bring the toddler to her story classes, or run other errands. On the occasional family day out, I’ve got make up and perfume to throw on.
My husband and I don’t always meet eye to eye and there are topics we constantly fight about, but from what I heard, that’s pretty normal. In the seven years that we’ve been together, he’s said maybe three things to me that he can’t take back, even though he wishes he could. I’ve got a handful of regrets of my own that I wish I could change, but for the most part, our marriage is pretty solid. Yea, we’ve hit a few waves when we thought we weren’t going to make it, but we did. He’s never been physical, demeaning, or disrespectful towards me. He’s been supportive, loving, and charismatic. He’s a great father. I’ll never have to worry about him walking out on our daughter. He shows up, 100% of the time.
I don’t have a lot of friends but the ones I do have are pretty great. They check in on on a regular basis and even though we don’t get to see a lot of each other, there’s never that awkward silence when we reconnect. We jump back into things when ever we catch up. Not having a lot of friends is half preference and half because I’ve moved around a lot due to my husbands work. Not everyone likes me, but I don’t have enemies.
My life is chaos free. The only drama I worry about is the health and safety of my child, leaving my wallet on top of the car, and forgetting milk at the grocery store. I don’t seek out unfortunate circumstances. I’m pretty crazy about calm and order, so I leave negativity where it lays and I continue about my day with blinders on. I’m not ignorant, but I’ve been through enough to know what’s worth my reaction, and what really isn’t. Life is too short, and I’ve got things to do.
I do suffer from Anxiety and Depression, but I refuse to allow the stigma of mental illness control my health. I seek out help for them and I manage my symptoms. I fight everyday to be present for my daughter because I refuse to continue a cycle. A cycle I see every day when I tune in to the chaos that is Dr. Phil. A reminder of how far I have come compared to where I could have ended up.
There are many pivotal moments that got me to the life I live and I don’t take them for granted. Moments I chose to refine my story, not destroy it. Moments that led me to this life. A life so opposite from what I watch on television every day. A life I can truly be proud of.
But I am not stopping here. Something is missing. Since becoming a mother, I have started to rebuild myself into the role model I want to be for my daughter. Today, I mark this as a new pivotal moment and I Journey Forward. I embrace the experiences and the story that got me to this point, and I welcome the next chapter in this life.
Join me as I take on the world, crush large goals, and accomplish big dreams that I have put off to the side. I’m building my confidence, evicting those negative voices in my head, and exploring my self-worth. I begin my Journey Forward, as Messy Mama, who becomes Messy With A Purpose. Hang out with me while I grow, achieve big things, and rebuild myself from the inside out. Stick around as I discover helpful tips to keep moving and crush big goals.
If you are just joining me, thank you, and check out my Postpartum Challenge to see the very beginning of this beautiful ride, then come back here and continue to follow me through the next challenge, My Journey Forward.
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