I don’t know much about my maternal lineage. I know that my grandmother abandoned my mother right before she committed suicide. I know my mother left me when I was young, alone, to navigate this world on my own. That is all I know of the women in my family and it was a darkness that hung over my head when I became pregnant with my own daughter.
I am not sure why God decided that he would gift me with a girl. Perhaps he saw the potential of a woman that would break the chain of abandonment and neglect. Maybe he saw a woman who deserved to love her daughter, regardless of the curse that ran along my mothers side of the family. Maybe he saw a strong woman, one who could raise a strong little girl. Whatever the reason, he has given me a chance to right the wrong of the motherless curse that plaques my blood.
I thank God for the gift he has given me, but I can’t help but wonder; why does he trust me with such a beautiful soul.? What if this curse consumes me like it has the women before me?
Regardless of the maternal curse that dances in the shadows of my nightmares, God still gave me a little girl. The fire in her little soul brightens the darkness that consumes me. Her ferocious love battles the fear that weighs heavy on my heart, and her smile eases the anxiety of our unknown future.
I sit with my fear of a repeated history, as I watch my little one play. My heart aches with worry as I carry the curse in my soul like a virus – waiting for it’s moment to strike. I look into the eyes of my beautiful baby, and I promise her, “I will not go willingly. This demon will have to find another way to take me away from you. I will fight for you, every single day.”
God gave me a little girl, so stubborn and so bold. A little wild one, already so strong, yet so emotional. He gifted me with a powerful creature. One who rips out her bows, and throws off her shoes to dance around this world barefooted. One who doesn’t fit into a box. Who loves all things bright and flowery, loves to play with hair, but chooses trucks over baby dolls. One who keeps Mama in sight, but is eager to explore the world. One who pushes boundaries and walks thin lines, but loves with all of her little heart. Who’s tough and gentle at the same time. A little girl too active to sleep, but sits through Frozen 1,000 times a day.
God gave me a girl who feels so incredibly hard – a little flower with a brand new soul. Eager to learn all things. Navigating through her own emotions, as if they are fresh off the press. Easily frustrated, yet easily amused. Powerfully angry and extremely happy. A sarcastic maneuver from Him, I am sure.
God built her unique, and so very fresh. He built her special for me, trusting that I would be strong enough to mold her into a beautiful soul. God didn’t just give me a girl, he gave me an important job. He encouraged an opportunity to break the heavy chains of history and be the mother a little girl deserves.
God gave me a girl, to love and to cherish. God gave me a little girl to read bedtime stories to and kiss goodnight. God gave me a little girl to take to the park and push her on the swing. He gave me a little girl, to walk with barefoot in the sand. God gave me a little girl to be the mom I never had, to love her unconditionally and be there every step of the way. To watch her grow into a woman of her own. To break the curse between mother and daughter, and be there for her until my last breath. God gave me a little girl, to love her forever.
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